I don't know why I expected -- or hoped -- that PTSD recovery would be different, but I did.
All the habits of years haven't gone away. The pull is lessened, but they've been there a long time. I don't see malign intent everywhere but I still am more guarded than I'd like.
All the triggers have not been disarmed. I keep finding new ones. Each time, I have to go back and try to figure where it started so I can start disarming it.
And I'm still just me, as much as I'd like to be a better version of me.
Part of the problem is I've always been a rusher, trying to get things done too quickly. I need to slow down, do less, and do things mindfully. I need to move from last on the list of my priorities.
In some ways, it is worse to be able to see that I'm messing up and why I'm messing up. It is harder to make excuses but no easier to change.
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