A Bit Lighter

My hippocampus is finally getting the message.  The decrease in hyper-vigilance has helped me to relax and not get my undies in a bunch over any whisper of encroachment, exclusion, etc.

I figured out that the fits and starts related to really not wanting to have to go to all the people I've hurt and say I'm sorry.  I've been not getting internal (and housekeeping) work done so I didn't have to move to the next step.  But I've realized that I don't have to move to the next step until I'm ready, so the logjam has broken and I'm making progress.

It is amazing how much more I notice when I'm not waiting for someone to be mean to me.  And how much less "weight" there is to simple occurrences.

Like this past Sunday in church.  During the Passing of the Peace, a person shook the hands of those right next to me and then turned away.  In the past, I would have been deeply wounded.  This time I thought, "He probably didn't see me."  Then he turned around and shook my hand too.

I'm realizing that I make myself suffer often by beating up on myself for not being perfect and for being angry at people for being mean or thoughtless.  Need to work on that.

Fits and Starts

This healing business can be slow going.  Sometimes, motivation is lacking.  There are all these questions swirling around and I just don't know the answers. 

I've always needed to know the answers.  I don't need that so much now but I find myself curiously stuck, for no apparent reason.  Something is going on somewhere inside me and I find it hard to do everyday things.  So I do what I can, until I can do more.

One question asked by my therapist keeps haunting me: am I an extrovert or an introvert?  Somehow, just the permission to possibly not be what I've always been has been both scary and freeing.

I don't have to be anything I'm not.

But how do you stop being what you aren't when that is all you have been?

No answers right now, just questions.