Bricks and Balloons

I find that looking at the same thing from a different perspective can help deepen my understanding, whatever the topic might be.  This is especially useful with PTSD since the condition can cause you to miss certain aspects and exaggerate others.  A favorite set of questions returned to me recently:

1. What are the bricks I'm weighing me down? Bricks are things that impede growth/progress, making both more difficult.


• Hidden compulsions of PTSD:  I catch myself doing/saying/thinking something inappropriate because of past events that have nothing substantive to do with today, other than the fact that my limbic system thinks they do.
• Truths that I'm hiding: Things that are uncomfortable to see.
• Lies that I'm telling myself: The window dressing I put up to hide the truths.
• Inertia/Resistance: There is a part of me that doesn't want to change.


2. What are the balloons that are lifting me up? Balloons are the things that improve the likelihood of change/growth and are often catalysts or comforts along the way.


• Knowing it isn't my fault.  While I still struggle with self-recrimination for things, I no longer blame myself for not being able to "get over" what happened to me as a child.
• The ability to see what I'm doing.  The puppeteer is no longer invisible. It is known and a known enemy can be defeated.


3. How has this changed? This has three components: timeframe, what changed, and the impact of the change.


•  A year ago, I was just beginning to realize that something was wrong and get a glimpse that it might not be my fault.
• Now I am getting help and at least see what I'm doing wrong, even if I can't always do what is right.
• There is hope for the future.  Having made some steps forward, I've courage to keep trying.

Anxiety and PTSD

Emotions related to PTSD have a weight, an edge, that is primal.  It is primal because the response is triggered by the lymbic system.  It is pre-thought, automatic, and intended to save the cave person from having to remember the appropriate response.  I learned this week that much of my anxiety has this edge.    I can't stop worrying because PTSD is piping the tune.

This is a valuable bit of information because it means that I can do the same back-tracking and unraveling that Babett Rothschild spoke of in her "8 Keys to Save Trauma Recovery" (go to Amazon, "Look Inside" and search for backtracking and see the list of things you can do on page 68).

It turns out that the two PTSD roots of my anxiety are persecution and betrayal.  I still have to find exactly where in the PTSD wagon train those came in so I can begin the backtracking but at least I know what I'm looking for.

One less brick on my heart.

The Monkey and the Coconut

Once again, Mark Nepo's Book of Awakening has given me a valuable visual image: the monkey and the coconut.  In China, they used to catch monkeys using hollowed-out coconuts with rice inside.  The monkey would reach inside to grab the rice, making his hand too large to pull back through the hole.  The monkey wanted the rice so would continue to struggle to remove his hand with the rice and was thereby trapped.

We often cling to things that we THINK are serving us when they are actually holding us back.  It is only when we let go that we can get out of the stuck place. We can only move forward by first accepting where we are. 

What feels essential but is actually a trap that is holding you back?