Fifty Years vs. Four Months

Hardly seems like a fair fight:

In this corner, we have fifty years of PTDS-generated habit, ways of acting and doing things that are meant to protect against the things that I never got the message were long past.  Don't even have to think about it, just do what comes "naturally."

In the other corner, we have four months of starting to see things differently, of realizing that everyone isn't out to get me, of occasionally being able to keep my mouth SHUT (not often), and consider how my reflexive actions have hurt others (more often), and seeing how wonderful it would be to be free of all this (constantly), yet getting tripped up yet again by the huge weight advantage that 50 years has over four months.

Not an easy fight....

Three steps forward, two steps back

I don't know why I expected -- or hoped -- that PTSD recovery would be different, but I did.

All the habits of years haven't gone away.  The pull is lessened, but they've been there a long time.  I don't see malign intent everywhere but I still am more guarded than I'd like.

All the triggers have not been disarmed.  I keep finding new ones.  Each time, I have to go back and try to figure where it started so I can start disarming it.

And I'm still just me, as much as I'd like to be a better version of me.

Part of the problem is I've always been a rusher, trying to get things done too quickly.  I need to slow down, do less, and do things mindfully.  I need to move from last on the list of my priorities.

In some ways, it is worse to be able to see that I'm messing up and why I'm messing up.  It is harder to make excuses but no easier to change.