I'm a rather impatient person. When I get a cold, I often end up with one or two relapses before I'm finally well because I tend to jump back into the fray before I'm over the cold. I end up being out of commission for lots longer than if I had simply taken a bit longer to recover the FIRST time. I'm trying hard to keep my journey out of PTSD from falling into the same patter.
I've lived with this PTSD crap for so long that I just want it to be over. I don't want to expect people to be against me, want to hurt me, treat me badly. I don't want to travel back to that hall at Vance Elementary and feel the waves of shame, grief, and rejection. But my hippocampus still doesn't have the whole message yet so back I go.
I don't want to be mad at my dead mother but I am. I need to forgive a whole host of people and ask another host for forgiveness but those are future tasks. I don't have the insight, strength or courage that I need for these things. I'm too weak. I need to get stronger first.
Right now, I need to learn to do a better job of taking care of myself. I need some quiet, some fun, some interaction, and a lot of yoga and jogging. And I need to try to avoid situations that will trigger me. I need to write, read, think, pray, and move forward SLOWLY.
No comments:
Post a Comment