When I first had the aha! moment about PTSD, I thought it was simple: the bullying caused the flashback and that was it. But PTSD causes more than flashbacks; there are many ramifications to the syndrome and to having been bullied.
For me, the PTSD caused constant, low-grade vigilance. I wouldn't go so far as to call it paranoia; it was milder than that. I just always expected people to hurt me, so I tried to watch out and make sure they didn't.
For much of my life, I swung between two extremes:
- being the super friend that no one could fault until I felt used, and
- keeping to myself so I didn't get hurt.
The thing that actually drove me to therapy was when I realized that I was re-living that first awful vignette again and again, with me as the protagonist: when things got difficult in a relationship, I would kick that person out of my life. I finally looked around and realized that there weren't many friends left and if I didn't change, I'd be alone.
Even though no one seems to be reading my stuff, it feels good to write it. Maybe someday it will help someone.
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