I SO excited to go to Bend, Oregon for the Solar Immersion with Chelsea and Jason Magness. I hoped to get stronger, learn new skills, perfect existing ones, and become more confident in my AcroYoga practice. I did get a goodly amount of that but much of my learning was hindered by the constant triggering of my PTSD.
AcroYoga has been such a key part of my continued growth and healing that I had no idea of awaited me: rejection, failure, and more tears than I've shed in years.
Perhaps it would have been different if the fifth person of our group had joined us so one guy wasn't stuck basing two flyers alone, but that wasn't to be. The other flyer pointed out that she was concerned for the toll it was taking on the base's wrists I had to be the one to say that I would find another group. This just accelerated the descent into a hell of rejection as I wandered from group to group, intruding on their established trust. If someone had tried to craft my worst nightmare, it would be this scenario: rejected, suspect, unwanted.
It didn't help that I was twice the age of most of the other participants and they had no idea what I could and couldn't do so they assumed the worst. It didn't help that many of the skills they were working were new to me and outside where I excel (washing machines). It didn't help that many sequences merely highlighted my inabilities. And it didn't help that my confidence was dashed early on and I spent most of the week in tears or on the verge of tears from a combination of PTSD and embarrassment of my muscular inadequacy. It didn't help that I was grouchy because of my rejection from those I thought of as friends. No one knew how to deal with me and I couldn't find a way out. Perhaps the hardest part was the base's decision that I was an unfit spotter. Every time I tried to spot -- something I excel at as an former professional gymnastics coach -- he would cut me off and not let me spot, cutting me off from the one path left of showing my usefulness.
So where do I go from here? I need to own my pain, follow the trail and unhook the triggering, listening to the cries of my inner child, soothing her, and finding my way back to the light and joy that I've found in AcroYoga.
There were moments of joy in the sorrow: Susan's kind basing, Patrick's smiles and basing to levels I never dreamed of, Chip's gracious basing when no one else would, Jason's kindness that later yielded a breakthrough in my press handstand practice and Taylor's kindness.
There have been several affirmations of my abilities since my return:
1. I excelled in class on Monday, succeeding in everything thrown at me with Leslie, Shawn and Alice, a joyous healing balm.
2. Then, at the jam, Leyla asked me to spot her on a difficult move where the flyer could be seriously injured with a fall. Fall she did and I guided her safely down from an overshoot. Then Sarah, another senior flyer, asked me to spot her on the same move and I also saved her from falling. And the base who cut me out of spotting saw the whole thing!
3. I was intrigued by the possibility of combining Ninja Star and Barrel Roll into a double washing machine. David based it beautifully and Soo, another senior flyer, complimented me on how far I've progressed.
A trio of confirmations, healing balm to my bruised ego. I feel better for owning all these things.
If I could summarize what I learned from all this it would be:
- Own your sorrow or it will own you.
- Celebrate your joys and they will lift you up.
- Kindness yields beautiful flowers; use it often.
- Gratitude is rarely spurned.
- There is always a reason for what we suffer. Find it or the lesson was useless (and you'll probably have to repeat the class).
- You can only be who and where you are; all else is self-deception.
- If you don't forgive, you are the only one who loses.
- The hard truths always win in the end. Let them win sooner.
No comments:
Post a Comment